I want to share with the world the gift that God gave me with writing. The blessing, the importance of doing it and the significance of loving to do it. The desire to do it. The importance of needing to do it. I am not a professional writer yet but I want to be and I know that with 100% certainty writing does help and can always help out in any event and situation life offers whether it be good or bad or just boring or even just a simple thought. The importance of being able to write is about emotions, feelings, life experiences, life events and simple basic thoughts and feelings, everyday stuff and even made up stuff just for fun or creating a story to share with the world. It is also about sharing thoughts and feelings with others as a way to communicate.
Writing provides an opportunity to take all feelings, all thoughts and all experiences and put them in a safe place never to be forgotten. It may seem basic and it may seem simple but it is a safe place in which all things are kept and spelled out. Once things are written down and stashed away they are there forever to be re-read and re-experienced. There are lots and lots of people that think writing is not a big thing and it is just something they cannot do and there is no purpose to do it but there is so much more to it than that.
It is a way to deal with and handle things all through life…in any situation! Either in one’s own life or in the world. This I am very sure of. It allows the chance to overcome all situations. The good, bad, happy and sad, the fun and even the dangerous things in life. By writing about all that stuff it allows a chance to accept what was flowing in your mind and heart and allows the opportunity to look back at those feelings. Once it all gets written down and set aside for later or put in a book, that is the opportunity to look back and see what those feelings and thoughts were when one did not even know what one was thinking or feeling. It is a “let it go” and “deal with it” and “move on” method that opens the door to move on in life.
It is a reminder of the feeling I was feeling, or what I was thinking about. Writing helps put it all aside. Although writing is not for everyone there are people that are made to be writers but there is so much more. You do not have to be a professional to be a writer or even just write. I can honestly say that for me writing has improved and changed my life in ways I did not understand nor did I ever think was a big deal. I always wrote things down because I enjoyed it, I wanted to do it, or I needed to do it because I learned I was never heard nor understood so I wrote about my feelings and my thoughts and my experiences so I could read them later and show them to those not hearing me.
The voice is just a sound but those written words are clear as day and will not go away. I was unaware of the uniqueness of writing until I learned about it in college and focused on learning what an English degree would do and how it allowed me to express things and write things in a personal, accurate and precise manner. That increased my thought process in life and brought me enjoyment with the chance to be creative and create things and enjoy the time that is my writing time. It becomes much more than just me time and this story. What I am sharing with you may sound untrue and different but it is very true and after you have read this I hope you learn and understand the importance of writing that can change and improve a life whether it be your own or others lives.
I have written poems about almost every situation in my life. After college I won awards for my poetry when I was convinced my writing was so good and I should submit it to the American Poets Association by my family. I did not write those poems to submit them. I wrote them for my own pleasure. I won first and second place for things I was feeling and thinking. No more awards after that but the writing never stopped. Writing is my freedom to speak, to express myself, to share feelings and to accept and move on with whatever life offers me and to share with others in my life. It is that chance to deal with and get over anything and learn how to handle things. Writing for me is and will always be my life’s best friend and I hope it is for you too.
Now, I will begin my story so everyone can see how much writing has improved, altered and even saved my life in so many different ways so let’s begin. I was raised in a family with two sisters by a single mother and had no father and no brothers. Right before high school started I learned how to write about things in life. One day I went home and begged my mother for a pen or two, some paper and books to write on. She told me we could not afford any of them. I begged and begged for those papers and pens to write down my feelings but I never got those things until one day in school when I asked a teacher for a pen and paper and that was when I started writing.
From that point on I began to write about all of my daily life experiences. Journals of my crazy life. I wrote about all of the normal and abnormal, the bad stuff and the good stuff and all of the funny stuff. I tried real hard to make any bad situation funny by writing it down and as I did that I would make myself laugh as I wrote. As I got older life was hard as long as I was home with my mother and sisters but I wrote about all of it. There were times when I was yelled at to get my chores done and I would say, hold on mom, I am writing. And she would say, get over here or I will take away your pens and books. So I listened and there were days when I did not get to write and I was sad. But I had thoughts about stuff all the time and for anyone that knows me, knows all too well that I am a thinker. So I would think and think to be able to write things down later.
In high school I became the funny one, always trying to make everyone laugh and turning everything into a joke but when I was alone I wrote about things and tried to make things I wrote funny like my feelings and thoughts. As I was growing up I knew for a fact that no matter what life throws my way I would always continue to about it.
In my first college, Olivet Nazarene University around 20 I studied English but did not finish and had to quit because I could not afford it. I was single and living alone studying English but had to quit for financial reasons. In my 30’s I got married and had 2 children and my husband talked me into going back to college to get my degree. I got my English degree in my late 40s at Northeastern University Chicago to help my writing abilities. Later when my two kids were in high school I was an English tutor to help others with English and writing. As I graduated my goal was to write a kids book but that has not happened yet but I do have notes on what to write about. Tons of notebooks with all kinds of stuff on them, about school, life, being a wife, a mother and being a better person.
My journals are filled with self doubt and insecurity. As I read what I wrote, I could see how I felt and how I would do what I could to improve things in my life like being a better wife and a mother. Once I read that stuff I could see my goals and what I had to do to change things to improve myself. I was able to see the difference in my thoughts and feelings at that moment and by reading it later it helped me realize that I did make myself better. They were not lost or forgotten thoughts I had written but reminders and proof to myself of my feelings, thoughts and emotions.
Please pay attention to what is coming and the importance writing has done for me when life can change out of the normal unexpectedly and has become altered in a way no one can warn you about. It will be sad but you will see the importance of what I am trying to convey and how life changed but writing never did. This is all very true.
When I was 53 years old I had a cardiac arrest which means I died. I ended up in the hospital and eventually they brought me back to life. I am alive today but I still have long term and short term memory loss issues but I do still write about all of them and psychologists say that is the best thing for the brain disorder and when I am writing I should not be interrupted because it keeps the brain going. For those who do not know it is a lifetime of seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months, years, people, places and things all gone. This is not made up and it is hard to understand but it did happen and eventually I came back to life not knowing a thing about myself or my life or even who I was. I knew nothing about who I was living with, like my husband, my son and my daughter. It is very hard to describe and talk about but not to write about even though it is a true event.
I believe it is because I was able to write about all my screwed up thoughts and feelings even when I could not understand what I was writing. Only God knows how the brain works I suppose. When I was at the hospital and nursing home my family brought me pens and paper and told me to write down whatever thoughts I had and whatever I did all day because they knew I was a writer and I could not speak and just said salad words. They were told the writing would help me and it did keep my brain active. So I wrote all my feelings, my questions and my thoughts down on paper. When I look back on those notes of being in a hospital speaking salad words, it is depressing to see who that woman was but I can see how far I have come because of writing it all down.
My house is filled with post it notes I have written on how to do stuff so I know what to do each day, like make bagels for breakfast, how to do laundry, where to put my clothes properly and everyday things with post it notes all over the house that I wrote to help me. I know I have done things I have written about so I do not forget them like going to a family wedding, a funeral for my father in law, my best friend’s house and my sister’s new home in Michigan and even a trip to Las Vegas. I remember no details of any of those events but I wrote notes about each event so I can read them over and over so I do remember those events.
I know my husband is the main person I can trust and I only know my children as adults that I can trust. My son is 23 years old and my daughter is 21 years old. I have written each of them a poem to convey my feelings with them. At least they have never forgotten our past because I sure have. In my unheard of situation, writing has become very, very, very important to me and writing keeps me from being seen as a victim. I have written so much about each feeling both good and bad in my current situation about my husband, my kids, my friends, my events and my own feelings and thoughts. Writing those feelings down helps the mind think clearer and get back to a semi normal life.
Now that I have become aware of what I lost, writing is the one thing that helps me avoid the pain of my current and future situation. It keeps me busy in ways that I did not know that I needed. For one and a half years being home I wrote every minute of every day about everything. Feelings, thoughts, my self doubt, my anger, and my hatred of who I have become.
The one thing that helped me deal with my life situation and losses will always be writing, especially poetry. That is my coping mechanism in my life. I will read and reread them all to see how I have advanced in my life situation but I will always keep what I wrote down to see where I was and what I have dealt with thanks to my ability to write.
My love of poetry I learned in college and any kind of writing will never stop or go away at any age and I will be writing until the day I die. When I actually learned how to use my computer I stopped using a pen and paper too much. I still have notes all over but now I type poetry and short stories on my computer which corrects them. I have learned to include some poetry into some of my stories. It helped me correct my writing and showed me how to improve my writing and my language. I have moved on to writing short stories where my creativity has taken over but never have I given up on writing poetry.
I was once a poet, not a story teller but now I am both. I write because being creative is something I love to do and it makes me so happy to write these stories and use my imagination. I have had enough poems about my life including the past two years and picked out the good stuff and added them online so I plan to incorporate some of my poetry into this story to show the importance of writing.
The attached poems you will see are a direct result of my feelings about forgetting my entire life and dealing with it today. I have adjusted and added new poetry and older poetry from before my nightmare. You will see the difference. I am not professional but give my writing a chance. The poems may seem to be weird, abnormal or kind of good but it is my way of dealing with life and my ability to cope with anything in life. It is proof of how important and helpful writing really is. That is where this story comes from.
Never forget to write down all of your thoughts and feelings about anything. You will need that information in the future and be surprised by what you wrote in the past. After reading my poems I included, it is okay to like my poetry or short stories or not like any of them. Just read some and you will see the importance of writing. I truly hope no human ever forgets their life like I have but I have proof on how to deal with this scenario. Every poem I wrote is not included but I added the significant ones and I will be adding so much more to my website lonistrach.com so if you would like to check it out now or later go ahead. Read this first and keep writing and life will be great!!! Here are some of the poems I was talking about. Thank you for reading this and I hope this helps you with anything life has to offer. When you cannot handle life, write it down!!! Happy writing!!!!
Cry Once But Never Again
Talking and crying, hoping to be heard.
As it goes, I am talking to myself and it is weird.
What are you crying about?
What is making you so sad and filling you with doubt?
I can feel your sadness and it makes me feel so bad.
I cannot help myself and it is known that nobody can help me.
I can only find a way to deal with what has happened.
My tears are from these thoughts of how my life had changed and been taken away.
Being stuck in the center of this new life of insecurity, doubt and disbelief and anger.
Who have I turned into in this current life?
I do not even know me anymore.
That is what brings me to tears.
I want back what I have lost and I have learned that will never happen.
I want the old me that I once knew so well and I don;t know if she now lives on in the new me.
I have tried and I have accepted who I have become but I do not even like her that much.
These new days of her are replaced with anger, sadness, self doubt, fear and confusion.
Those things will not stop smothering me and damaging me and that unknowing criminal has taken over.
Nothing remains in the brain and is unable to retain what it once had.
This change has created who I am today versus who I was before.
I have to accept the damage that has been done creating a situation that was never deserved.
The truth is known and I will never be the same woman I once was.
No explanation of the pain I am dealing with and how my life was stolen from me.
Crying alone in the shower and spending all day writing about it is a reminder to stop and never revisit those words.
It is the way to live as normal as I can in this new life.
Tears are just moments in time.
Writing is what gives me life. Writing is my friend.
My Healing Is Mine
Some day, I hope to wake up and look back to realize,
The pain I have did not break me, It made me.
It shaped me into the person I always wanted to be.
It taught me to become who I love and respect and I believed I would become.
Many nights were spent crying myself to sleep in hopes of finding myself.
Waking up, mouthing my name and smiling so as not to give up on me.
Those moments where the silence seemed to become louder and words
became the foundation of my strength.
Healing is not loud and comes with no applause because it is quiet, messy and it is filled with tears, self doubt and insecurities.
It is a tiny step forward and many steps backwards and my determination keeps me walking down this road alone.
I have become aware that nobody, I mean nobody truly understands my journey.
That is okay because I have seen how long it will take to find the true me.
My healing is mine and it is sacred and I have accepted who I have become and you should too!!
Self Doubt
When taken over by self doubt, smile and wave and let it all out.
Take the advice stuck deep in your soul and let it all lead you where to go.
Keep all decisions that you currently make, let them become your best friends that protect you and keep you awake.
They will open the gates and set the stage, so close the door on all those self doubts and let go of the rage.
The stage has been set to take a chance, to have no regrets so take a glance to see what you will need.
The choice is not ours to have this life, It is ours to make the choice to get it all right.
Be strong and loving and listen to your voice to get yourself to the place where you become that fantastic human being that you know you really are and you were meant to become.
That is your own choice in this life. Be who you really want to be and do not hold on to any more self doubt.
True Feelings of Who I Have Become
I am aware it was something I did, something I said, the way I acted that affects you all.
Once I learned that, my tears became the boss of me.
My heart became weak, beating quickly with pain.
It does not come from all of you, it comes from me.
They are my own feelings of what I can and cannot do correctly to appease you all knowing that I cannot control any of it. It is my own disappointment.
It is my own insecurities. It is my own failure, it is my own fear of letting you all down and not knowing what I think I know.
It is my own fear of not understanding and being wrong.
It is my own disappointment of who I am now.
These are my thoughts that do take over me, way too often. My brain and heart are different now but I know, they hold the secret to who I once was.
The brain is in overload creating new thoughts of
Why me? Why this? Why can’t I be me?
Why can’t I have it back? Can I stop this attack? What will I do to change it?
No one should ever have to live this nightmare. It is wrong and not fair!
I do not recall what I have said or done each minute that has affected you all and I would like to repeatedly say, I am sorry, please forgive me. It is not my fault that I am who I am nor is it my fault who I have become. My lack of remembering consists of heart aches and anger and it is too much to handle. Living like this is too hard and once I am gone life will be better.
You do not need me around anymore, it is not worth it. I am a made up character and if I was gone, you may live the life you want so you can be free of the new me. I am writing this to you all to convey how I am truly feeling about myself.
It is all my truth.
I do not understand or know how you all feel about me. I know I do not even like who I have become. All I can tell you is what I am thinking of at this moment. I have accepted that you all see a different person in me for example a different wife, a different mother, a different friend, a different sister and a different daughter.
My behavior, actions, words, thoughts and decisions are all different.
I can see how they reflect on everyone in ways I never wanted you all to be a part of. This is who I never wanted to become. I have accepted that I am broken and I need to be fixed and I do need help. That is who I am and this is not my fault. It is this unexpected situation that has created me.
All I ask is that you all accept me for me and try to understand who I have become now.
Please do not forget the old me because I surely have!
Believe in me like they do
To my beautiful, kind, funny and loving self.
I could not be more proud of who you are and what you have done to come so far.
From the worst nightmare you have endured,
all of life’s disasters that you have encountered.
You have proven that no matter what happens to you, you will never give up.
Especially when things are out of your control or not your fault.
You continually proved to all those around you how amazing you really are.
We see your struggles. We hear the anger and sadness in your whispers.
When your eyes blink and you chew on your lips.
That is who you are and we are okay with that.
We have learned that you seem to need our help but
you never ask for it and do everything for everyone around you.
We cannot understand why you do not put yourself first.
You cannot see who you really are, can you?
We hope one day you will be able to see the real you that we all see.
That amazing, kind, loving, caring, intelligent, helpful, caring woman
with a heart as big as the earth.
This is all very true so please know this from our hearts.
I Will Not Keep it to Myself
Had a thought and heard the mind say, just keep it all to yourself,
This is not the day to share those thoughts, so throw them away.
To discuss what I am going through and what I endure.
There is no rhythm,
there is no rhyme,
so save it all for another time.
It is all sickening and very hard, and I am sure all I can do is wait for a cure.
Willing to explain all of this new pain but it all ends in nothing but shame.
I realize my thoughts belong only with me and I want to share them to set myself free.
I know you don’t want to listen, how can that be?
I just need to share what is deep inside of me so you will all understand what I mean.
I am unsure if I am able to share what I have had to relearn.
The feelings and the thoughts are very real to me even when I do not know what they will be. I am filled with a desire to be heard and a chance to explain,
all the thoughts going through my brain.
Don’t want to take a risk and give words with no appeal.
I have set the goal to state how I feel.
I no longer feel the shame to just keep it all to myself.
If you refuse to hear them, that is all on your selfish self!
Why Be New and Improved?
Why be new?
What good is being improved?
Why be irreplaceable?
Why get a new groove on?
Why be the best out of all the rest when that does not even exist?
Think about those questions… is it for yourself, for family, or others?
Who said you need to improve?
Who said you should improve?
Why improve at all?
Why not just be yourself…your true self.
Why keep living for others that do not improve for you?
Stop giving and just be you, not for family, not for friends,
not for co-workers and not for neighbors.
They will demand what they want but they can never demand what you want for yourself.
Spend your time improving yourself and if that works out, then great.
If not, fuck it.
Will life get better or will it not?
Who cares, you just need to find your hidden spot of which to hide.
Should you let it go or take another chance or just leave it as it is?
What is the plan?
Do what you need to do and move on to where you need to go.
Take the chances you have to take and do not let them all break you.
Do it for yourself and accept all your mistakes.
Go for it all and build a new attitude.
It will be worth the risk and you may be amused.
Life is not all about what we are given.
Life is about what we need to rebuild for ourselves and every opportunity counts.
Both old and new.
Mistakes, yes there are a few.
Regret, some we cannot erase.
Denial, cannot hide what was.
Will they try to win?
Only if you let them
They are not you and only you take charge of your life.
Do not forget that so please just smile and give it some time for a while.
Will others complain? Yes but who cares? Just chill.
Put them all aside there is nothing to gain
so put yourself first for a change.
In life there is only you that you hold deep in your heart.
The start of today and the start of tomorrow will keep you from tearing a part.
Do not blow it and throw it away. Just be you … the improved you from the start.
You Need You and Only You
Cannot look back on yourself and be mad at what you had
and don’t have or what you missed out on.
Look forward and be proud of yourself now for today.
For what you have lived through, gotten over and accepted.
Take pride in the act of conquering them all.
The time has come to let it all go so do not relive them and never let them relieve you.
Life may not be what you expected but you will find the right way to go.
Do not listen to other’s words or follow other’s actions, just find what’s coming from your own voice that is begging to be heard.
Be safe. Don’t let go. I love you. I am here for you whenever you need me.
That is what needs to be heard and listened to and never ignored.
You are the keeper of your soul so never let that go.
No one other than yourself could take that all away,
Keep being you…for you!
The writing of Loni Strach 