This is my very true story of how I survived a cardiac arrest, that to this day, is unheard of. I got up and did the daily routine and said goodbye to my family and off I went. Driving in your car the whole time, I started to think, I hate the dentist, why do I have to go again. Got three in time and they gave me a seat and asked me to wait. Ten minutes later I started choking and gasping for air right away and the dentist ran over and said, “how are you?” I could not talk, move or see. At that moment the dentist knew it was a sign of a cardiac arrest by the way my body was responding and I had no way to talk. They knew immediately they had to do chest compressions to keep me alive and then called the ambulance. They quickly took over and drove me to the nearest hospital while they tried their best to keep me alive.
The doctors checked my heart and saw it was not working so they gave me a defibrillator to control my heart. They operated on my stomach to add a feeding tube because my body could not eat. They did what they could to make my heart and my organs work again. They saved my life and that is why I am alive today. They went through my phone and called my husband and explained the situation to him. They explained that with a cardiac arrest one dies and the brain shuts down and they did what they had to do to save my life and because of the brain loss I could not talk and I didn’t even know who I was. My husband could not understand how I did not know him or even my name. One year in the hospital and two years at the Grove which is a well known rehab. In a hospital things got a little better but not the memory stuff and it was the same at the Grove. My brain was wiped clean or closed and then and now I have both long term memory and short term memory loss. I cannot remember who I once was or what my life was. Memories do not exist to me, meaning nothing. I did not know that I even had a husband, let alone two children. Who only knows their children as 20 year old adults or even themselves as only a 53 year old with no life.
They fixed the physical infections but lack of oxygenated blood flow resulted in severe damage to all areas of my brain. That is what long and short term memory loss is. Once I came home there were plenty of days when I would cry at night after being told what I went through. My days were spent begging God for an explanation as to why this happened to me. Why did I deserve this? Was I not a good person? It was not fair. No adult should ever go through this torture! As time went on I forgave him and begged for his forgiveness and realized he was not at fault. My son looked up my family history of heart disease and cardiac arrests and found out it was hereditary and I was genetically disposed to a heart condition from my mothers side of which I was never told of in all of my life. My life has been ruined and I am a 56 year old woman and I no longer have any memory of any of my life, at all. I have had to begin new relationships with my husband, kids, friends and siblings and experience them all over again for the first time to learn who they were and who I could trust by being my new self.
Sad does not even describe the feelings I have. It is hard to make people understand my nightmare as I call it. Everyone wants the old me to be as I once was and although I appear normal I am not and they cannot understand that fact. Nobody understands I can look them in the eyes for hours and nothing is familiar to me. Not one memory appears in my mind and even I do not understand it myself. I will no longer apologize or ask forgiveness for the new woman I am today because it was not my fault even if I do not like who I am now. All I ask is that you please try to understand what I am dealing with and not one person, good or bad, should have to live this nightmare. The real question is, how and why did I actually survive a cardiac arrest and how do I live my life for this new me. People die all the time of cardiac arrest but not me. I have heard I survived twice and I am alive so I think to myself, what is the reason? I have no memory of dying which I am happy about.
The me of today is all I know from the date I came home three years ago. After relearning I could write and liked to do it I took notes on everything and even wrote poems about my feelings and my life today. The following poems describe my feelings and emotions of what I am going through, what I am dealing with and how I feel about who I am in this current life. Writing it all down and not talking about it has helped me greatly and it has been a huge help in this life. You can see how the cardiac arrest changed me into a different person and I will show you. The following poetry reflects this nightmare situation as I call it and how I never lost my ability to write my feelings down. It does not include everything but enough to express the changes in my new life. Please do not criticize me. Just read them and think about what I have told you all. Thank you.
Hi, My Name is Loni
I will do my best very soon to be done living in all of this gloom.
For my fear lives on in a way I cannot control or cannot change.
My hope is still there through all of this rage.
All I must do is open a new page.
Being hurt is no fun and so hard to take but I pray daily it is all just a mistake.
I will keep up the fight whether wrong or right and do what it takes.
Pain is merely a four letter word that I must go through even though it sounds absurd.
I hold the love of which I own, deep by my name that I see in the mirror each day.
My goal is to be the woman I once was or at least be a part of her.
Only me and I mean me can take away my worst and fight this fight day after day.
The time will come and I will be the light of my life whatever fight it takes.
Scared, fragile, full of doubt, unable to get what I want and what I need.
That was me so I threw those feelings to the ground to let the anger out.
I need to move on and be me, but who is that new me, is she still around?
Life is hard and can be such a bore, the way to progress is to write it all down.
Express all those feelings, express those thoughts so that you will not be distraught.
Look back at them all at a later date so you can understand and try to relate to them all. I know me and continue to know me and that I will never change.
The pain changed me and the healing shaped me and for the first time I felt whole.
I once thought healing meant returning to who I once was, but now I see healing as becoming someone who I want to be.
Someone wiser. Someone patient. Someone stronger.
I would not trade myself now for the person I was before.
The Face in The Mirror
I am not sure I ever knew that face in the mirror looking at me.
Staring at me with sadness and disappointment asking me for help.
She is lost and unable to remember who she once was.
Her light is dimmed, the shine is gone, colorless, lifeless and quiet.
Crying to be seen, heard, understood and loved.
I used to know that face staring in the mirror so well.
Now it has all changed and I see all those struggles.
All those tears. I hear all of those feelings loud and clear.
She was once a fighter. She was once full of energy.
She was once the light of my life and now she has left me.
It’s all been replaced by anger, fear and resentment.
No longer the fun one. No longer the care giver. No longer the life of the party.
She had traveled so far away that we just do not know where to find her.
Can no longer see that face in the mirror that used to look at me.
She has surrendered, given up and been beaten.
She has gone a different route from the life she once had.
She had to get away to find herself to be her new self and her loving self.
When seeing that version she has become with those sad eyes in the mirror
Is it a whole new her that the old her wants back.
That trust and that spirit have all been taken away and changed her as I once knew her.
I can only accept the new her for me in hopes that the friendship will return.
and hopefully she will come back.
There is no more wanting to know who was, there is only wanting to know who it is.
It’s All Been Stolen
What once was, is no more.
All taken away, no longer stored.
Each memory was erased and removed.
Stolen in a way that cannot be restored.
The box that once held all feelings and thoughts
That was once filled with appreciation and love
that was sent from high above.
Filled with smiles and cheers,
contained in an open heart always waiting to be heard.
Every minute and each time of every day has all been packed far away.
Once completed and full of photos and notes never to be read or seen again.
Left for the world to see when the time was right.
Written in black, red, yellow and blue ink hoping they would never sink.
Sealed and protected so as never to be lost.
An intruder decided to remove what they wanted not to see.
Every item, every book, every video, every photo is what they took.
A lifetime of memories, thoughts, pictures.events all stolen and gone.
That was all made to live on forever long, never to be forgotten.
Each life memory was once hidden away so as not to disappear or replace.
Will they ever come back? Where did it all go? Who’s to say, they stole our show.
The slate has been wiped clean and there is no machine that can bring it all back.
The hope is one day it will all be returned and the candle has not completely burned.
Let Me Be Me
When you look at me,
I will not be who you think you see
I will not be who you think you knew.
I am not the same so let me go.
My smile is the same and so is my voice.
Nothing else is and that was not my choice.
Acknowledging me as I am now may not be who you like or see.
There is some confusion and misunderstanding too.
To process who you once saw and once knew about me.
How to deal with the me of today is up to you.
Take the time to get to know me again as I am now.
The new me is there waiting to be accepted.
The thoughts of me run through your mind searching for me again.
Your thoughts wonder, when will I come back?
Is my disappearance a mistake?
Or is it a scam to fool us all?
Search the photos, the videos and the books
You will never see the new me in any of that.
Is there a coming back?
We will have to wait and see.
You must let me be the new me.
My Healing is Mine
Some day, I hope to wake up and look back to realize
that the pain I have experienced did not break me.
It shaped me into the person I always wanted to be.
The woman I am today!
It taught me to become who I love and respect today.
The never giving up woman.
Many nights were spent crying myself to sleep in hopes of finding me.
Waking up with a smile in hopes of not giving up on me.
Those moments where the silence becomes louder than the words.
It became the foundation of my strength.
Healing is not loud, It does not come with applause.
It is quiet, It is messy. It is filled with tears, self doubt and insecurities.
It is a tiny step forward and many steps backward.
My determination tells me that I need to keep walking down this road with me.
I have seen how long it will take to find the true me.
My healing is my sacred time.
I have accepted who I have become and you should too.
The writing of Loni Strach 